The topic of true love has been debated for centuries. Cynics often swear it doesn’t exist, while hopeless romantics think everyone should set out to find their soulmates. Whatever our take on Valentine’s Day, for those of us who are at all interested in pursuing romantic relationships, a key question remains: What is True Love, and how to make the relationship last? With science now showing that true love is not only possible but can last a lifetime, we’ve decided to look at the psychological elements that allow love to bloom or fade.
What is True Love
Dr. Lisa Firestone, co-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, often says that the best way to think of love is as a verb. Love is dynamic and requires action to thrive. As Dr. Firestone wrote, “Often, we spend our time worrying about what our partner feels toward us or how the relationship looks from the outside. Even though it feels good to be loved by someone else, each one of us can only really feel our loving feelings for another person and not that person’s feelings for us. To connect with and sustain those loving feelings within us, we have to take loving actions. Otherwise, we may be living in fantasy.”
At times it may feel frustrating, but it’s pretty empowering to accept the fact that the only person we have any true control over in a relationship is ourselves. We are in charge of half of the dynamic. Therefore, we can choose whether to engage in behaviors that are destructive to intimacy or whether to take actions that express feelings of love, compassion, affection, respect, and kindness. To consciously and consistently choose the latter, it’s valuable to look at the characteristics that in more than 30 years of studying couples, Dr. Robert and Lisa Firestone found to be vital to maintaining truly loving.
How to Create a Truly Loving Relationship
First off, it’s important to acknowledge that despite these clear-sounding discrepancies between real love and fantasy, many people mistake one for the other. They may even prefer fantasy to reality because it’s less painful to appear connected to someone than to feel connected to them.
Many of us become caught up in the fairy tale, the superficial elements, or the form of the relationship (i.e. how it looks as opposed to how it feels). We may fall in love with the illusion of connection or security of the situation offers, but we don’t let ourselves get too close to the other person. That is because, while most of us think we want love, we often actually take actions to push it away. That is why the first step to being more loving is to get to know and challenge our defenses.
1. Challenging the defenses that limit true love
Many people have fears of intimacy of which they aren’t even aware. We may be tolerant of realizing our dreams of falling in love in fantasy, but very often we are intolerant of having that dream fulfilled in reality. Dr. Robert Firestone describes how being loved by someone threatens our defenses and reawakens emotional pain and anxiety from childhood. He’s posited that both giving and receiving love tend to disrupt the negative, yet familiar, ways we think about ourselves. “On an unconscious level, we may sense that if we did not push love away, the whole world as we have experienced it would be shattered and we would not know who we are.”
For these reasons, the biggest obstacle to finding and maintaining a loving relationship is often us. We have to get to know what defenses we bring to the table that ward off love. For example, if we grew up feeling rejected, we may feel anxious about getting too close to another person. We may not feel we can trust or rely on a partner, so we either cling to that person or ward him or her off, both of which lead to the same result of creating distance.
If we felt criticized or resented in our childhood, we may have trouble feeling confident or worthwhile in our relationships. We may seek out partners who put us down in ways that feel familiar, or we may never fully accept our partners loving feelings for us because they threaten this early self-perception.
If we felt intruded on in our early lives or if we had an “emotionally hungry” parent, we may avoid intimacy altogether and feel pseudo-independent, or we may subconsciously seek out people who depend on us to meet all their needs and more. Again, both of these extremes can lead to relationships that lack real closeness and intimacy. The good news is we can start to break these destructive relationship patterns by better knowing ourselves and our defenses. Why do we choose the partners we do? What are the qualities we’re drawn to – good and bad? Are there ways we distort or provoke our partner to act in ways that fit with our defenses? How do we create distance? What behaviors do we engage in that may feel self-protective but push love away?
2. Differentiation from the past influences that no longer serve you in the present
Dr. Robert Firestone has further developed an approach to challenging old, ingrained patterns and defenses, a process he refers to as differentiation. This process involves four steps:
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Differentiate from critical, punishing, and destructive attitudes that you internalized in your early lives
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Differentiate from undesirable traits in your parents that you see in yourself
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Challenge the defensive reactions you had (as a child self) that no longer serve you in the present
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Formulating and learning to live by your values – who do you want to be?
Taking these steps of differentiation allows us to live in a less defended state in which we go after what we want in life.
How to make a healthy love relationship and last
“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody.”
So writes Neil Gaiman in the ninth volume of the comic book series The Sandman, “The Kindly Ones.” Indeed, there is no single tried and true recipe for love and successful relationships that anyone can teach us. Different approaches work for different partnerships, and there is no point in trying to come up with strict guidelines for love. Nevertheless, the reasons why relationship quality can deteriorate over time — or why relationships fail altogether — tend to be consistent. Many researchers have studied what makes people leave a relationship, and what motivates them to stay together. In this feature, we give you our top research-backed tips on what to look out for in building a meaningful, healthy, happy relationship.
1. Start your relationship with purpose
First of all, research suggests that there may be some truth to the phrase “start as you mean to go on” when it comes to relationships. Recent studies suggest that, in many cases, people who are dating end up “falling” into a committed relationship out of a sense of inertia, and couples may end up living together even when they are unsure if they belong together. “Many, if not most, couples slide from noncohabitation to cohabitation before fully realizing what is happening; it is often a nondeliberative and incremental process,” reportTrusted Source researchers from the University of Denver in Colorado. For instance, someone may end up deciding to move in, and, maybe, eventually, marry their partner simply because they have already spent a significant amount of time together and established a bond. This can happen — argue dating and relationships researchers Samantha Joel, Ph.D., and Prof. Paul Eastwick — even when one or both partners are convinced, at the start of their relationship, that they are not necessarily well suited to each other. Medical News Today spoke to Alex Psaila, clinical supervisor at Relate North and South West Sussex, a United Kingdom-based registered charity that provides relationship support and mediation. We asked him about early “red flags” that people may want to remember when starting a new relationship. Blind love, he told us, can prevent individuals from acknowledging possible issues and personality clashes. It can also make them think that — no matter how bothersome some of their new partner’s behaviors might be — these will likely change with time. Not so, said Psaila:
“Does anyone go into a relationship with the idea that this relationship is flawed? If we are aware of something is not quite right, we might tell ourselves that ‘we’ll fix it’ For the most part ‘being in love is like Cupid — blind — and we gloss over potential difficulties, wanting to believe it will go away and love will conquer all.“
Joel and Prof. Eastwick argue that if people took more time to do some — potentially difficult — soul searching before committing to a relationship, they might be able to avoid entering a situation that will prove unsatisfactory for both partners in the long run. We should, that is, start new relationships with a sense of purpose, really thinking about what we want and need, and if the person we are dating is truly likely to align with those wants and needs — and we with theirs. “People may be able to boost their own relational, health, and well-being trajectories by more selectively choosing and investing in new relationships that are right for them and rejecting those that are not right for them,” write Joel and Prof. Eastwick.
2. Communicate to solve conflict
As with anything, open communication is necessary when it comes to building and maintaining a healthy relationship. In a long-term relationship, calm, open, and constructive communication is essential when it comes to solving conflict since no interpersonal bond ever comes truly free from conflict. “Stress can arise in relationships when partners experience conflicting goals, motives and preferences,” write Profs Nickola Overall and James McNulty in a recent study about communication during conflict. The possible reasons for conflict in a romantic relationship can vary widely, and Profs Overall and McNulty cite unmet expectations, financial difficulties, the distribution of responsibilities, parenting styles, and jealousy, among others. “Unresolved conflicts and the stress associated with conflict put even the most satisfying relationship at risk. Moreover, managing and resolving conflict is difficult, and can itself be a significant source of stress,” they note. So what is the best way to communicate when it comes to solving conflicts in an intimate relationship?
According to the researchers, it depends. However, burying one’s feelings and misgivings, and brushing disagreements quickly under the carpet is unlikely to help, they say. Profs Overall and McNulty suggest that it is crucial for couples first to evaluate the context in which the conflict has arisen to decide how best to address it. When a serious issue is at stake, the researchers explain, it is important for both partners to express their opposing views and negotiate the direction of change. However, if the couple is having disagreements about minor issues, or issues outside their control, it may be more helpful for them to acknowledge the problem but express mutual validation, affection, and forgiveness. Psaila expressed a similar perspective to MNT. People who maintain healthy, happy relationships, he says, “say sorry and make reparation when they acknowledge that they have done something hurtful.” However, Psaila adds, they “do not hang on to secretive, hidden shame,” following a discordant situation.
“They learn from mistakes and know that awareness of their vulnerability is a strength. They can and will seek help and advice from trusted relatives, friends, mentors even trained counselors.“
– Alex Psaila
Psaila also notes that people who want their relationship to thrive also show openness to receiving support from a professional therapist, not just when things go wrong, but to make sure they stay the course.
3. Make time for a couple of activities
Life can sometimes get in the way of our spending time with the people we love, even when we share a living space. The demands of work, for instance, can leave us little time — and sometimes little energy — to do something enjoyable with our partners. Yet research shows that couples who participate in fun activities together may also find it easier to stay together. For instance, one study covered on MNT last year suggested that couples who make time to play board games together also had a good quality of love life. The study found a simple reason for this correlation: Partners who took part in these fun activities together saw an increase in oxytocin, the “love hormone,” so-called because it plays a key role in bonding behaviors. Karen Melton, Ph.D., and her colleagues — who conducted the board games study — note that, for a couple’s activity to lead to the spike in oxytocin, it likely should involve interaction between the partners. Simply attending an event together but not interacting, for instance, may not have the same binding effect. The researchers also found that the novelty factor influenced how much oxytocin they released: Couples who organized their fun activity in a new place outside their home saw a greater “love hormone” boost than those who played at home.
4. Carve your own space
Although spending quality time with your loved ones is essential, it is at least as important to spend quality time on our own — and allow partners to do the same. “A healthy relationship is a bit like breathing in and then breathing out,” Psaila explained for MNT. “There is a cycle of closeness and distance, of coming together, even merging and separation, individuation, creating a sense of self. Both are important. If the relationship is too distant — little closeness — then the idea of seeking this elsewhere will arise (perhaps disguised as feeling abandoned and being unloved),” he noted. Yet too much closeness can make a relationship feel like a trap and, taken to an extreme — if a partner gradually isolates their “significant other” from friends, family, and activities that they enjoy — could even be a mark of emotional abuse.
5. Show attention and appreciation
While couples are at the beginning of their relationship, in the “honeymoon” phase, the partners will shower each other with affection and words of appreciation. But often, as time goes on, partners may start taking each other for granted and forget to show the same kind of admiration they once did. According to a study from 2017, one of the main reasons for long-term couples splitting up was that one of the partners was no longer showing enough affection and attention to the other.
A study from 2018 found that young adults — aged 18–29 — who perceived that their partner put a similar effort into initiating text conversations also reported greater relationship satisfaction. Other research has shown that women who reported being satisfied in their romantic relationships also reported that their partners were appreciative of their bodies. And, they reported increased satisfaction with their sex lives. Finally, although material gifts are not a measure of love in any relationship, some studies have shown that when a partner can and does offer gifts, this can contribute to relationship satisfaction if done correctly.
Research from last year suggests that for a gift to increase relationship satisfaction, it has to be well thought out. The gifts we offer to others, the researchers explain, can reflect the image they have of themselves or the image we have of them. If the two do not coincide, then it is likely that the gift we pick will be disappointing to the receiver. But, the researchers say, if we know our partners well, we will manage to pick a gift that truly fits in with their personality and hobbies — and will reflect positively on our relationship. No matter how you choose to show your affection, though, expressing your appreciation of your significant other — and not just on Valentine’s Day — is a safe bet when it comes to maintaining relationship quality.
However, even if you put in all the effort you can muster into a romantic relationship, sometimes, it will not work out, and that should necessarily be a cause for regret. If a relationship does not make you feel happy, secure, and valued, it may be time to turn your attention to yourself and invest more in some self-love before you decide how or whether to start afresh with someone new.
Many answers to why love ignites and fades can be found in understanding how to find true love. Even after we’ve dropped our guard and allowed ourselves to fall in love, as soon as we get scared, be it of losing our partner or differentiating from our old, familiar identity, we may turn around to the same question - what is true love. To get more concrete insight, please refer to the professional advisors to learn more. With accurate readings, they would certainly provide you with views from different perspectives.
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